Choice Process-I don't trust that the Universe will support me vs The Universe is my source

Since starting my journey with Outlook, a key component has been their Choice Process. This process is the one I went through yesterday and is so powerful for me that I decided to write it out here and declare it to the world.
So, the way this works is that we decide on something that we want to change in our life and then work through a series of questions to arrive at a new belief and then look for evidence to support it.
I recently did a session with myself where I wrote to me from my non-dominant hand (I know what you are thinking; you’re right; I’m not normal)! I learned this process from John Bradshaw in an adult child workshop. In fact, my left hand produced one of the most powerful, life-changing letters I have ever written to myself (the letter is in the last chapter of our book, When Love Hurts).
This letter started with, “I am still that scared little boy. I know you’ve worked hard but I’m not sure I can trust. This insane world is not friendly to me.”
I asked with my right hand, ”What can I do to make it safe for you?“
He replied, ”I want to float. You struggle too much. I don’t want to live like that. You need to get in the flow. Float down the river enjoying it.“
Well, that became my topic for the Choice Process; I don’t trust that the Universe will support me.
I had the topic, but hadn’t written anything yet. In the meantime, on August 19th I posted on Facebook:
To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.
In addition, 2 of my momentum steps had been completed by grace (meaning that I set an intention, but I didn’t do EVERYTHING to make them happen). See Saturday’s blog.
Actually, I was feeling somewhat smug and wasn’t sure that the trust thing was really an issue.
Let me set this up with one more piece. A real concern that any rationale person were be dealing with is that I’m still unemployed and have been since January. I’ve applied for dozens of IT positions with very few responses, fewer interviews and no job. That’s okay, though, because my friend Mary Ellen got a newsletter from LifeLine, an organization that works with addicted youth. On the back cover it had a Job Announcement. It read, ”Life-Line is currently looking for group staff members who are committed to living a healthy sober life style and follow the ideals of Life-Line. Group staff members are expected to be role models to the Life-Line youth through their personal values of spirituality, honesty, responsibility, and professionalism.
Mary Ellen, my wife Christine, Jamie, myself and others thought that that description had been written for me! I called and got an appointment to interview with them this coming Friday. There were several other coincidences that I won’t go through, but the bottom line was that I was feeling confidant that the universe had led me to the perfect source of income, right?
Yesterday afternoon I got a call that some things had changed at Life-Line and they were not going to be adding to their staff. They were canceling my interview. . . .
I immediately went to ‘what did I do wrong’, then SEE the Universe won’t support me! Now I have the grist to work through the Choice Process. From there I called Jamie and asked for support. I could have gone in several directions. What I couldn’t deny was that the Universe had supported me several time this week and that I wanted to believe that it does support me. I had just posted that God doesn’t take things away to punish, but to make room for something better. Did I really believe that?
I cried a little on the phone and hung up and cried some more. I allowed myself to feel angry, scared, ticked off, everything that came up, and decided it was time to write my choice process.
The Choice
I want to change my lack of trust that the Universe will support me.
What I have done that created what I currently have:
Expect to fail. Trying to force things. Not being willing to be vulnerable. Wanting to know the end before I begin.
What I am feeling is:
Anger, sadness, unworthy, unloved
The belief that is causing these feeling is:
If I don’t take care of me no one else (including God) will.
Tracking the belief
My belief is:
God won’t support me in living my dream
The last time I felt this was was:
When I got the call from LifeLine
I remember feeling this way when:
I lost my job
Other times I have felt this way were:
Every time I apply for a job
When I’m asked to do xmas lists
when I dare to dream
The first time I remember feeling this way was:
My eighth birthday when I wanted a bike and got baptismal clothes. I wrote a poem about it where I said, “even God mocked me.”
Tell the same story from the point of view of the other people involved:
We don’t have the money to buy a bike, but we can afford a nice new white shirt and tie. We will feel so proud of you at your baptism.
Tell the story again, but change it to the way you wanted it to turn out
Mike, we love you. We only have $X to spend for your birthday. How would you like us to spend it? We can look for a used bike, or whatever else YOU would like.
What is the Payoff/Negative Results
The payoffs I am getting for believing this are
It gives me an excuse to stay angry and feel sorry for myself.
I don’t have to take responsibility
I don’t have to put my money where my mouth is
The negative results I am getting for believing this are
I stay in doubt about my self-worth
I feel alone and abandoned
I don’t get my dreams
Choice
Do I want to continue believing this?
Absolutely not
What new belief do I choose to create for myself?
God/The Universe is my source
Gathering proof
God gave me my 2nd appt-thru Mark
God gave me my 3rd module-thru Myrna
God gave me the grist for this Choice Process-Life Line
God supported me and my family through the early years of my addiction recovery
When I prayed and did it differently, I got different results; I changed; I didn’t have to kill myself
6 days ago I posted on Facebook where I am now
Today I choose that God is my Source
Know what your new belief looks like
Today I choose that God is my Source
The people I know who believe that God is their Source
Jamie Utley
Myrna Hirst
Wally Vlasik
Jackie & Wayne Green
Rev Elizabeth O’Day
Michael William Gifford
What will change in my life now that believe that God is my Source
I can quit trying to force success and just enjoy it as it comes upon me
I know that I am
I will simply ‘be’ and ‘allow’ God’s grace to unfold in my life.
Immediate Momentum
God is my Source so I will
listen and act when moved upon
look for income opportunities without forcing them
stay in the fear, anger, unknowing, etc and continue to believe
language ‘as if’
God is My Source