Week 1 Day 4

I’ve had some great days since we started the Coaching Class. I feel real positive about achieving my 90 goal, and yet I still have rough roads. Today was one of the less than stellar days.
I was talking to Christine and remembering the first days, weeks, and months of my sobriety in SA 25 years ago. That journey has turned out incredible, but I wasn’t sure it would in those early days.
The magic of twelve step was acting as if in the absence of certainty. We talked about sobriety feeling like it was ‘off the edge, into oblivion.’
There were times when I see huge temptation on my way to a meeting, but I continued to believe and put one foot in front of the next.
Now that I’m dealing with money and accepting financial abundance with the rest of my abundance, I’m feeling some of the same ‘newbie’ feelings, and sometimes wondering what the f---k I think I’m doing. Today, I had one of those challenges. While I’m focused on, and believe, that financial abundance is nigh, I went to the Utah Food Bank to get some food.
We stood in line for over an hour with a lot of people of all different backgrounds. I remembered my first SA meeting and the judgment I had of the leader of that meeting. When he introduced himself and said, “I’ve been sober for two years,” I had hope for the first time in a long time. and it wasn’t coming from someone who looked to have his act together.
Today, as I stood there, I felt shame and embarrassment that I was there with all that I know and believe. I even did some comparison, but the really cool thing was that when we got inside, the workers had no judgment about us. They were simply there to serve us.
I’m not proud of the choices I’ve made in the past that got me there, but I’m excited that I can make new choices and go to a new place! I’ve stopped blaming and justifying and accept responsibility for where I am and where I’m going.
I also noticed that while I felt shame and embarrassment, it didn’t last as long nor occupy as much mind and heart space as it did 25 years ago. I know this will have it’s challenges, but I also know I did it once before and that the effort was worth it.
Finally, I got a start of a website up today. It is http://www.playbookbychoice.com. I’m excited with where I’m heading and excited to have the support of the Outlook staff, my coach, and my buddies. Thanks Robert and Mat.