Yesterday I got an eMail from a friend asking that we cease all efforts to support her brother (another friend) in his efforts to heal from Cancer. She wrote:
Thank you all very much for your love and your energy work on xxx. He is ready to go and so if you would please un-plug and send him on we would be grateful. If any of you have been experiencing un-do pain it is probably because you are plugged in. I am writing to let you know.
Much love and blessing to each of you,
So, here’s the rub for me;
I’ve been a long time advocate of self-determination in life, including death. I’ve been fairly verbose in stating that I don’t mind living past 100 if I have a ‘quality’ of life, but that I don’t want to live past 60 without that. I have a hard time seeing myself in a care center or otherwise being cared for by others, yet when I got this message about a friend who had been healthier than me, I got a huge knot in my gut.
I know he has been through a lot. I know that the last time I saw him he was a shadow of his former self. I know that Huntsman Cancer Institute gave up previously, yet I’d also heard reports of progress. The thought of him not being here did not equate, but especially of him just saying I quit and slipping in to some other state of being…
I worked hard on not feeling anything yesterday, in spite of attempts from a daughter and friend to help me see what I was feeling. Frankly, I didn’t want to explore and/or feel anything. As I’m sitting here I’m feeling my own vulnerability and mortality, and I’m already missing another friend. I guess the good news is that I have no judgment of his choices. IT’S ALL ABOUT ME, AGAIN! His choices are mirrors for my own stuff.
Some incredible changes are happening in my life and I’m exciting about living life and seeing just how far I can go and what I can manifest. I don’t want to be distracted by my mortality. I want black and white answers, none of this ‘between the endpoints’ stuff. I’ve put down 3 family labs. I cried each time and really missed them, yet I knew when it was time to put them down. It was more humane to help them move on than to keep them here. Why can’t it be that simple with us humans? Life isn’t black and white, thank God; I love full colored life; but it would be simpler if…
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
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