Better to honestly feel sad that to pretend to feel glad!

So, this Tuesday at the coaching class I had an interesting experience.We started working on a Choice Process while playing with Clay Dough! The idea was that the tactile play would be somewhat distracting, allowing the mind to feel and better process the Choice Process, without all the logical disconnects.

While I’m writing my way through the process, I’m creating a masterpiece in the clay. I choose a piece of purple clay to play with. I was kind of flattening it out and working it rather mindlessly when someone opened a tube that had all these bright color intertwined. Jamie even commented on how kewl it looked. I waited seconds and no one took it so I did and started rubbing it in on top of my purple clay.

My choice process was on my need to look good in front of other people. At this point I was beginning to remember times when this had been important to me. For the most part, the looking good was generally an over-compensation for looking bad (in my own mind) or feeling judged by someone else.

These feelings led to a sadness that was reflected by spreading the clay out like a low profile fried egg. It was beautiful with all the colors on top, but they (others) couldn’t see the insides to know how it felt on the inside. To make it more reflective of the inside, I started putting holes in it and making it look less stable.

As we worked through the process we got to the point of listing the negative consequences. At that point I picked it up and from the edges brought it together to look like a cocoon. Because the bottom was solid purple, as I brought it around all the beautiful color was inside and all anyone could see was the monotone purple cocoon. As we continued with negative consequences, I took pipe cleaners and wrapped them around it, to secure it in it’s present cocoon shape. I even left one at the top going out like a stem, so that you could pick it up without ever having to touch it!

Now it was time to release our creation, as it was also time to release the old beliefs into the vacuum making room for new beliefs. To do this we all went out side to a pre-dug pit and were invited to throw, dump, hurl our creations in to the hole, as our affirmation of leaving it behind. Most everyone really seemed to enjoy it, but I started feeling genuinely sad. Even though it now looked ugly, I knew what was on the inside. I didn’t want to let go of that beautiful ‘coat of many colors.’ I wanted to somehow get in and rescue the beauty that was inside. Well, being the generally compliant person that I am, I waited until last and then, somewhat reluctantly, dropped it in to the pit.

Next, Jamie poured gas in the pit, and in a trail away from it so that someone could strike a match and torch the whole thing. The fire was warming and fun to watch, yet I still didn’t derive great pleasure from torching the past. When the fire eventually went out, we started taking the shovel and covering up the pit with the demolished ‘pasts’ in it. Again, everyone seemed to have satisfaction in it. I waited until last and put a shovel full of dirt over it, then dug at the dirt, breaking up dirt clods and compacting the soil a little.

I went back in the building still lamenting, and shared that with the group. Then as we moved to our new belief in the Choice Process, Jamie brought out new ‘virgin’ clay.He suggested that we each take a container and create our new belief. As I sat their contemplating, all of a sudden, I got a smile on my face. I took about a third of my glob of clay and then turned to the group and asked if anyone wanted to exchange some of their color for some of mine (out of character for me to go out of the lines and even more so to seek compliance from my partners). When I didn’t get an immediate response, I turned to Brody and asked if he would share a little piece of his white clay (again, in my old world of values I never would have put myself out to ask for what I wanted; especially when I had already asked a general question and gotten no response). Brody was happy to share some clay with me. Then Christine offered some of hers! Before I knew it, I had 5 or 6 different colors and was weaving them together into a new ‘Coat of Many Colors!’

Instead of creating a flat fried egg, I started rolling the ‘new me’ in a circle. It became this beautiful ball with swirls of color throughout. As I continued to roll it the ball became extraordinarily smooth. My sadness at loosing something that I knew was beautiful, but that I had covered up, was being replaced by great joy at this new something that I was creating (in part due to my memory of the past, but without strings to the past). That ball and it’s greatness consumed me and I was finally ready to let go of the old and embrace what I had created. I brought the ball home as a reminder of who I am!

In summary, a really important lesson I have learned is the importance of feeling what I am truly feeling, no matter how ugly it might appear, and no matter how much feeling there is of ‘you shouldn’t feel this.’ By truly feeling the sadness, and admitting it, I put myself in a position of being able to move on to the next feeling and having it be genuine, too. Had I pretended that all was well and that I was glad to be throwing away the initial clay creation that would have blocked my true feeling and I would have gone on pretending to feel great (what was my original belief in this process; something about needing to look good to others). By feeling what I truly felt (sadness) I was able to feel a new, genuine, feeling of joy, as I realized that I could create my new image and I could use my acquired knowledge in creating this something that even exceeded what I had hidden. Throughout the rest of the night, as we talked, I continued to handle my new creation and my mood continued to shift from sadness and moodiness to great joy and satisfaction.

I would much rather feel true sadness with the opportunity to shift it, that to ever put on a face and pretend a feeling, that precludes me from outwardly expressing what is really inside!